Fast and Spurious

Oh golly, they’re making another Fast and the Spurious movie. I seriously, perhaps foolishly, thought they were done after number nine. And then there was the spinoff with the two characters: Hobson’s, Sure, in which the two characters who hate each other agree to go to a lovely cafe in Stratford-upon-Avon called Hobson’s and talk out their differences.

But now we’re getting Fast and Spurious X, because the premise of people fasting for religious reasons, getting hangry and taking it out on people with shoddy, spurious journalism isn’t getting old at all.

This time it looks like the plot will involve Dwayne making spurious claims against the Melbourne traffic engineer industry, because he’s fasting and being hungry makes him want to take it out on someone. As per usual, we’re going to get all 6’7 of Dwayne crammed into a tiny office chair, hunched over a laptop, furiously writing a hit piece about car park design with all sorts of untruths and spurious claims about insufficient turning circles. They’ll take it to court, Dwayne will learn a valuable lesson about why he shouldn’t engage in journalism while under the influence of hunger pangs, traffic engineers and traffic impact assessment people will be vindicated, and then they’ll do it all again in the next film, because Dwayne and his familia do not learn their lessons. They will fast again, they’ll get grumpy again, and then this courtroom drama franchise will tiredly limp into the 2020s, still somehow generating box office revenue.

I guess it’s just a bit of pleasant time-killing. That said, I’m quite partial to the traffic management planners within Melbourne. They’re the ones advocating for proper road systems and well-designed car parks, all things I appreciate, especially when I’m sitting at one of those horrible right-turn lights that only activates every second cycle and I want a hurricane to hit the city just so I don’t have to wait there a second longer.

Yeah, make a movie about THAT.

-Jace