Renovations

I knew we shouldn’t have gone with those rose gold accents. I just knew it. When an interior decor trend blows up like that, it’s never going to last, and the poor fools that bought it will be saddled with fashion victim status until they can afford to redo their kitchen again. I informed Perry of this at the time, but he insisted that we had to have something special.

Here’s the deal: when somethings ‘on trend’, it’s not special. Give me something classic any day. My husband Perry has always been into toeing that line, and I guess it makes him fun to be around – he’s always plugged into what’s hot. Unfortunately, it also makes him a difficult partner when it comes to planning kitchen renovations. Melbourne renovators have dealt with all sorts, I’m sure they can relate.

Kitchens, in my view, are not the place for loud colour schemes or accoutrements. They should be all about the smart appliances, clever storage solutions and a warm ambience. These are hardly things that you’re likely to read about, several months after installing them, in a listicle entitled 5 Interior Trends That Are So Over.

Likewise, while I’m all for custom bathrooms, I feel strongly that they should be primarily functional. Yet there’s always this push towards styling them as some kind of boutique paradise for your inner diva. Fortunately for me, I was able to reign in Perry’s inner diva somewhat when we did ours, but that was only because we were a bit skint after the trip overseas. If it wasn’t for that, we’d have had a gold-accented spa tub that takes half an hour to fill.

Don’t get me wrong – I love the sense of fun and playfulness that Perry brings to our home. I’d just like it more if he’d keep it to the less permanent aspects of the place, like furniture and light fixtures. If something is being built into the house, it needs to be approached through a more classic lens.

Judge Twinkle Toes: Order in the court. We continue with the case against Sparkle Socks, assessing the severity of the design choices in the kitchen renovation. Prosecutor Glitter Beard, proceed.

Prosecutor Glitter Beard: Thank you, your honour. We now turn to the principles which guide every elfin renovation, principles upheld by all kitchen design companies close to Melbourne, principles shamelessly trampled upon by the defendant. We invite expert witness Starry Nightshine to elaborate on the specifics.

Starry Nightshine (Expert Witness): [Nodding respectfully] Thank you. Members of the jury, while every elf dreams of custom kitchens, it is a given that our designs echo a harmonious balance between nature and luxury, a balance undeniably missing in the defendant’s kitchen. The colour scheme used is nothing short of jarring, a chaotic display of hues that defy logic and taste.

Prosecutor: Can you describe the mishaps that occurred due to this DIY attempt, given your expertise in custom kitchens?

Starry Nightshine: Certainly. A walk through the kitchen felt like a trip through a house of horrors – cabinets hung at various heights, mismatched door handles, and let’s not even start with the DIY island, which was clearly not aligned with any known principles of aesthetics or functionality.

Defence: [Standing up assertively] Your honour, we argue that this kitchen represents a brave venture into the avant-garde, a bold step away from the safe choices often recommended by kitchen design companies close to Melbourne. It is an individual’s artistic expression and should be celebrated, not vilified.

Judge: [Glancing at the jury who look visibly distressed by the images shown] Thank you for your insight. It is evident that the jury has a lot to ponder upon, as they witness the repercussions of straying far from the established principles of elfin design.

[The jury members exchange worried glances, the pictures before them a vivid testament to the boundaries pushed – perhaps too far – in the defendant’s adventurous, albeit ill-executed renovation journey.]

Judge: We shall reconvene to explore further areas of this DIY disaster in the next session. Court is adjourned for now.

I’m a young professional, a bit younger than your average, and I’m looking to buy myself an apartment. Because of unfortunate circumstances at home, I don’t think I can live here with my family much longer. I would have to move out a bit sooner than I originally planned, but that’s fine. Life is unpredictable but luckily I can afford to move out because of my job.

I’ve been looking at some older homes that I can live in for a few years whilst I get established. I will knock the house down eventually and build a big family home, but that’s my ten-year plan. So it means I would have to live in this fixer-upper for the next ten years before I could change anything. That’s why I’m being very particular about what I find important in a home. For example, I’m looking for houses that have had the best bathroom renovations possible. I’d prefer not to live in a house with an old and ugly bathroom, so if the current owners have done up the bathroom, I’m more likely to buy the place.

I don’t need anything special in terms of the living room and bedroom space, but a decent bathroom and kitchen is an absolute necessity. Even though I would spend more time in my living room and bedroom than my bathroom, I think bathrooms need to be in better shape than regular living areas. I think it’s probably because you get clean in a bathroom, and I really like being clean. I will pay more for a good bathroom design. Melbourne is the most livable city in the world, but it’s also extremely expensive. If I want to live here, I’m going to need to invest properly. 

Being young, I’m worried that people will be able to take advantage of me. I just have to remind myself that I’m able to afford a house because of how hard I’ve worked.

I think I’m going insane. All I can hear is the constant drip of my ensuite’s shower. It goes all night and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I’ve tried duct taping the shower’s head, replacing it, removing it. It stops for a minute, but as soon as I leave the room that dripping sound comes back, even if it should be literally impossible. I don’t understand what’s going on and it’s driving me crazy.

Tomorrow I’m getting some bathroom designers from Melbourne to come around and have a look. If they can’t hear the dripping, then I’ll know it’s all in my head. If they can hear the dripping, then maybe I’ll need to call the Ghost Police. I feel like there are definitely more effective ways to haunt people than dripping water in the shower, but then again, I am starting to lose my mind here. Maybe it’s just subtle enough to work.

Personally, though, if I wanted to haunt someone, I’d take it a bit further than needing them to get leaking shower repair. I’d be pulling chairs out from underneath them, knocking over expensive televisions and causing all sorts of mess around their house. It would actually be kind of fun. Anyway, hopefully the bathroom designers can give me some advice. I could have gotten a plumber but I’ve been thinking about bathroom renovations for a while now. And who knows, maybe if there is a ghost, they’ll be driven away by the work. Now that would be a great twist of irony if suddenly they were the one being haunted.

In hindsight, maybe I shouldn’t have bought a house that used to belong to a crazy cult. Who knows what sort of things happened in that bathroom. And then there’s that constant screeching noise from the basement, but I’ve gotten used to that by now. The door is locked and I don’t have a key so there’s no real use in looking closer.

Have you ever stopped to really think about bathrooms? Like, really questioned the prevailing standards of how bathrooms are designed? I’m of the belief that not too many people have done that, because if they had, there’d probably be more options on the market. 

I mean, almost every bathroom I’ve come across in this part of the world is a variation on the same theme: chair-like toilet that’s too high for optimal positioning, sink that’s too low to be really useful, shower freshly scrubbed with toxic chemicals and maybe a bath. Other common inclusions are fairly poor ventilation, and a cup of toothbrushes placed mere centimetres from the toilet. 

You get where I’m going with this. Contemporary bathrooms are unhealthy, not to mention wasteful. We’re just so used to them being the way they are that we don’t imagine they could be any other way. It’s like, if you were doing a bathroom remodel, would you consider a composting squat toilet? Probably not, unless you’re one of the few people who’ve taken a nerdy interest in toilet design. The rest of us just default to what’s on the market, wrongly assuming that toilet manufacturers know best. That’s fair – we don’t have the plague, right? But it’s still wrong. 

Don’t even get my started on contemporary kitchen design. Melbourne homes might have beautiful, functional kitchens, but there are plenty of ways they could be improved to radically minimise energy wastage. People are generally a bit more open to talking about this than they are to discussing bathroom makeovers. I don’t know if it’s because they unconsciously consider talking about toilets to be uncouth, or because they don’t want to face facts because they’ll then have to do something about it.

It could also be that they just don’t believe there’s anything wrong with the current design. That doesn’t surprise me, given that it artfully conceals the more horrifying aspects of the space, such as its connection to a sewerage system.